I can't sleep
Even with Genny at her Grandmother's house last night, and with going to bed after 1:00 a.m., I'm still on Genny time... and woke up at 6:15 a.m. Oh well... I guess I'm up and working again. While I was laying in bed, scrunching my eyes closed, trying to will myself back to sleep, I think I stumbled upon something. I could feel the small, quiet pangs of a tiny anexiety wanting me to get out of bed. After 'leaving' my last job under 'amicable' terms, I have less faith in jobs. Not that I had much faith before mind you. I have been mostly a freelancer now for 10+ years. But this last parting has made me feel less secure.
As a bachelor, I was always relying on the fact that 'someday' my music was going to work out and I'd be set monetarily. Now with a family I'm more driven to make something like that work out. I didn't sock away a lot of cash when I was making it. That wasn't how the plan was set up. I was not being an ant... not really a grasshopper either... but more like the grasshopper. But, I didn't NOT care. “It will all work out in the end. It will happen if you keep working at it. The people that fail are the ones that quit.” etc.
I still don't believe in a 'job' either. Again reinforced by this last separation. I never saw that as the means to get where I wanted to go. I wanted more than what a job could get me. And I still do.
So this is also why I keep coming back to my goals. What’s the project that will get me out of needing a job.
My problem, I think, has always been my focus and followthrough. I used to get distracted easily. So when I project wasn’t going well… which everything in life does at some point, I retreated.
I think that’s where I’m stuck now. I was writing an album before the wedding. With all of the planning needed for the wedding the music took a back seat. I’m still not sure I can finish writing the album and be healthy… i.e., get enough sleep. Writing from 10:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. seems almost the only way to make the album happen. I’m not fully committed to that yet. Plus the unsuredness of music adds to my hesitation to recommit, too.
Well… I’m up now… time to get back to some type of work.
8 Comments:
I hear ya!!! :(
ZZZzzz.....so, who gets the kid when she bolts. Losers
Hmmm... I'm still trying to figure this out... exactly 'what' did I lose? I don't get it.
you're questioning someone who has named themselves 'anonymous'?
My question is, in all sincerety, since when did you need lots of sleep?
Your writing's sounding good, Dad...
Unfortunately, our generation has NEVER believed in job security. Jobs are for money. Careers maybe bring happiness. Many of our generation became entreprenuers for the very frustration you talk about. I don't dwell on it - I just keep trying to make money. Other jobs always seem to present themselves.
My point is, you're not alone and don't sweat it too much.
"exactly what??"
face it, this relationship is so doomed..
Well Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous, maybe you give up on things when there's a slight bit of difficulty, but that's not me.
My 'recommit' is about recommitting to my music project, not to my relationship. Just because I'm at a place where I'm unsure of the EXACT path I'm to take, doesn't mean I should throw away the whole project.
And if it was the relationship that I was unsure about, I'd say the same thing, just because I'm unsure about some aspects, doesn't mean I should 'doom' the whole thing.
Your comment is very shallow and shortsighted.
Dumbass.
Dumbass?
As someone who has know Sheila all her life, I think you need to ask yourself..is this what she really wants? She's a thinker...thinks, then does. Currently in the thinking phase, she will do quickly when she's ready. It will not include you.
Let's see who the "dumbass" is.
On that note, I leave you to your life. Bye
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